A woman drives into a bar.
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During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
yea so i messed up lol
