A woman drives into a bar.

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[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time


I took 1000 photos of water vapor & uploaded them to the Cloud. Now we wait.


– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.


everyone smokes a bunch now and wants to die and has detailed opinions about art and it felt cool and interesting until I realized we’re just Becoming France


Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.


Obama: Please just wave.



I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one


[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S


If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”


Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?