A woman drives into a bar.

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Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.


When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!


(My wedding day)

Grandma: You remind me so much of your father

Me: Wow, thanks that means a lot

G: Your father was a disappointment also


When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don’t invite people to my house.


Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours


My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.


Husband preps two bowls of ice cream. Hands me the one that appears slightly smaller in size.

Are you calling me fat?


I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.


Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you


I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.