Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
A woman drives into a bar.
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When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
(My wedding day)
Grandma: You remind me so much of your father
Me: Wow, thanks that means a lot
G: Your father was a disappointment also
When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don’t invite people to my house.
Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Husband preps two bowls of ice cream. Hands me the one that appears slightly smaller in size.
Are you calling me fat?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.