@_xLNc

A woman drives into a bar.

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@ArfMeasures

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

@RickAaron

I took 1000 photos of water vapor & uploaded them to the Cloud. Now we wait.

@SamuelHLowe

– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.

@bromanconsul

everyone smokes a bunch now and wants to die and has detailed opinions about art and it felt cool and interesting until I realized we’re just Becoming France

@Reverend_Scott

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

@MariasWestSide

I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one

@abbycohenwl

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

@WilliamAder

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

@DrakeGatsby

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?