A woman drives into a bar.
You Might Also Like
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I’m having an out of money experience.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔