a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
