a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
