A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
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it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Me checking my bank balance online.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”