A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
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Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
just got my engagement photos
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.