Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.