A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
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My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
accurate
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.