@SufficientCharm

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

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@Nikkeya08

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

@TheToddWilliams

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

@jonnysun

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

@Rollmaninoz

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

@donni

Shout out to people who block me cuz it hurts their feelings I occasionally fav them without following. You can also just ask me to stop :/

@Harbinger_one

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

@envydatropic

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

@truegritrumble

(Spelling Bee)
JUDGE: Your word is catastrophe.
ME: Y. O. U. R. F. A. C. E.
*all the mics in the room simultaneously drop to the floor*

@TheNardvark

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.