A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
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If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me