A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
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my favorite genre of twitter
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.