A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
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Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.