A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
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*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Peace was never an option
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine