Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

Math at Halloween.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

Never mess with a drunken pig.

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.