Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…

Well, toucan play at that game.

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it