A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
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I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
This is I, Robot all over again
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.