Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it