A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
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YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?