Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

How to woo a woman

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

😂😂

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”