Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

🙀🙀🙀😹

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

see next tweet for some translations

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

My god she’s good.

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too