A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
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In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar