a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
I hope Alan is OK
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.