Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”