a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
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If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I think I’ll stand
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!