A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
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I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*