A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
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One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
😅🤣😂
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow