A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
You Might Also Like
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
in 3 months
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Noah
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Generation gap…
Watson was Holmes schooled
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’