A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
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Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Sheep
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men