A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
