A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
they really do be looking like this
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
