A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
