A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
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Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
good for her
every. time.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
S/o to @funTweeters .
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.