Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*