Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

I want this so bad

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.