Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

If at first you don’t succeed, try try again

“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”

and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

I have obtained a hat

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like