A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
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My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.