Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.