A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
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I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h