A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
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“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
This is my emotional support knife.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
*exercises sarcastically*