A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
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If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
How does someone manage that 🤨
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie