A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
You Might Also Like
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
twitter users today:
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Just a friendly reminder!
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road