A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
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Worth a try
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
LOL
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
*limbos away from your hug*
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?