Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

the saddest jazz hands ever

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”