a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Very good news from my accountant
I wish I could veto my bills.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
