a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
