A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
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Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
craving $300 all of a sudden
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.