A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
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I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.