A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
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It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Time heals everything 🙂
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.