Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

Lingerie.

…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands