Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

Monday?
No. Next question.

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.