A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
You Might Also Like
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
what it’s like dating me:
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
😂💯
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet