A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
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do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces