A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
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Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
just arby’s bein’ a bro
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I only eat vegetarians.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.