Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

Lmao

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

My favorite type of men is ramen.