a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
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This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
me after i passed that state trooper
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.