a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
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If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
😭😭
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us