a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
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Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”![]()
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
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Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous