a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
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Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
Happy weekend !
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.