A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
You Might Also Like
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
When your parents check you’re ok.
