A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
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mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”