A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
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[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.