A woof in sheep’s clothing.
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I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.