A woof in sheep’s clothing.
You Might Also Like
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?