A woof in sheep’s clothing.
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There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
One of the best
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.