A woof in sheep’s clothing.
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I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Bike is short for Bichael.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
My daily affirmation
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?