A woof in sheep’s clothing.
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Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me