A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:![]()
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.