A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
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ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Mapping America’s Far Right
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
iPhone X
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”