A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
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*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.