Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination