Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

house sitting!

had to share :’)

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

She knows her part so well!

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

Kids: Stay in school.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

Today I’m going to give it my almost

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.