Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

sometimes i miss this memes

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.