(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
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I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.